1. A day without sunshine is like, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
10. Remember: half the people you know are below average.
11. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
12. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
13. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
14. Eagles may soar, but dogs don’t get sucked into jet engines.
15. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
16. I intend to live forever — so far so good.
17. Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.
18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
19. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
20. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
21. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
22. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
23. Experience is something you don’t get until after you need it.
24. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
25. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
26. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
27. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
28. Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.
29. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
30. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it.
31. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
32. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
33. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
34. The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
35. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
36. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
37. Get a new car for you spouse — it’ll be a great trade!
38. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
39. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
40. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.