Leave your non-apology at the door

Image result for apology photos

A genuine, heartfelt apology is a powerful step toward mending hurt feelings and finding a resolution. A half-assed apology, on the other hand, can be worse than none at all.

I’m awfully terrible when it comes to asking for apologies. It’s not that I’m hardhearted, cold-blooded person but I just can’t seem to get it right most of the times and I often regret the outcome, worse than remaining in the status quo. Which leads me to ask myself, “How am I doing it wrong?” Maybe you have that same question in mind too. Which led me further to research about the “dos” and “don’ts” when trying to apologize.

Experts would say that the difference between a sincere apology and cheap one has a lot to do with how it’s phrased. Word to the wise: If you say “sorry” and then immediately follow it with a conditional word like “but” or “if,” you’re headed in the wrong direction.

Studying about the subject of  asking for apology the right way, there seem to be phrases one should avoid when trying to apologize to a friend, family member, significant other or pretty much anyone, for that matter. Here’s what some psychotherapists had to say. 

1. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“Even though this phrase begins with the words, ‘I’m sorry,’ it is not a real apology. It does not take ownership of any wrongdoing. It does not communicate remorse for your actions, and it does not express any empathy towards the other person’s feelings. Instead, it may imply that you think the other person is being irrational or overly sensitive. Try to understand and take responsibility for how your actions or words hurt the other person, saying something like, ‘I’m sorry that I canceled our plans at the last minute. It was inconsiderate of your time and I understand why you are angry at me.’” ―  Gina Delucca, clinical psychologist at Wellspace SF

2. “I’m sorry I said that, but I never would have if you hadn’t behaved the way you did.”

“Again, we are hearing blame. ‘Look what you made me do.’ This is not an apology for one’s behavior but actually a maneuver to hold the other person responsible for one’s behavior. In other words, ‘You caused me to say this to you.’ We are all responsible for our behavior, no matter what the other person says or does. A heartfelt apology is to recognize the pain we cause and own our behavior: ‘I’m sorry that I reacted the way I did and upset you.’” ― Carol A. Lambert, psychotherapist and author of  Women with Controlling Partners

3. “I was stressed out!” (or tired…or hungry…)

“This makes a recurrence of the offense almost inevitable. Always connect the apology to the future. For example, ‘The next time I feel that way (whatever triggered the offense), I will remember that I love you and that our bond is so important to me,’ or, ‘I’ll make sure I get centered in my values so I don’t act on impulse.’ The subtext should always be: ‘I’m sorry that I hurt you and harmed the bond between us.’” ― Steven Stosny, psychologist and author of Love Without Hurt

4. “I said I’m sorry already, why can’t you just let it go?”

I have to admit that this has become my favorite phrase resolving a bump or a quarrel with my wife.

“Blaming your partner for not immediately accepting your apology, forgiving you and moving on is unrealistic and unfair. For an apology to be effective, it must be clear that: 1) You accept full responsibility for your actions and inactions; 2) You are sincerely sorry for anything you’ve done to cause pain and 3) That you want to remedy the situation by giving your partner what they need to feel safe in order to move on and forgive you. Not all apologies lead to immediate forgiveness. It may take time. And it may take apologizing more than once. Start by asking what your partner needs in order to trust you and feel safe and then do it.” ― Sheri Meyers, marriage and family therapist and author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love and Affair-proof Your Relationship 

5. “I was reacting to…”

“This is an excuse, not an apology.” ― Stosny

6. “I’m sorry if I offended you.”

“This is an example of a conditional apology that doesn’t truly acknowledge any remorse or personal responsibility. By using the word ‘if,’ you are communicating that the problem isn’t really about what you did, but is about how the person reacted to what you did instead. Essentially, this type of ‘non-apology’ places the blame back onto the person it’s directed at. Simply remove the word ‘if,’ and your apology can take on a whole new meaning: ‘I’m sorry I offended you. I will make sure to be more considerate and careful with my words in the future.’” ― Tara Griffith, marriage and family therapist and the founder of Wellspace SF

7. “I may have done this, but you did that!”

“Try to avoid keeping score and bringing up times when the other person was in the wrong. An apology is about you acknowledging the wrongfulness of your own actions and making amends; it is not about pointing fingers at other people as a way to justify your actions.” ― Delucca

Here is what I’ve learned from the many bumps my wife and I had in our married life: Guilty or otherwise, whenever we hurt the other person’s feelings, ego or being by overstepping our boundaries, even in the presence of a valid reason, it is just fitting and proper that an apology be expressed right then and there — no “buts” and “ifs”. That way we can preserve the beauty and sanctity of the relationship.

How about you? What are your opinion on the subject? Which phrase strongly resonates with you?

Photo credits: Google photos

 

9 thoughts on “Leave your non-apology at the door

  1. You know this post made me smile😊. Just something I was explaining to my younger one, 2 days ago after mom and daughter had a meltdown. Thought it was only her who seemed to lack the skills of apologising until I read your post. Since she’s bookish about everything, will share your post with her. Thanks Andrei. Its a truly useful post since today’s generation has become rather robotic.😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Appreciate it Smitha ☺
      I guess making apologies is one of the hardest lessons to learn, especially when we all have points to emphasize. Yet, being able to recognize and accept one’s fault and apologize for it right away can be truly an inspiring value to possess.
      Haha, I, myself, am still learning about it.
      I’m happy that you’re also sharing this with your daughter ☺

      Like

  2. I said I’m sorry already, why can’t you just let it go?” This is mine. Sometimes when I apologize, a big ego can’t accept it. I can’t humiliate myself to crawl. I will say once, no matter is it effective or not.

    Liked by 1 person

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